Desire

This is the word that Father God placed on my heart this week. I've been learning much about my spiritual freedom the past few months. It has always been a difficult subject for me to grasp. I have always been a pretty compliant person. My conversations with God have gone a little like this:

"God, I don't know what to do in this situation. Could you please tell me if I should go left or right?"
"My Child, either way you will arrive at the same place. Which way do you want to go?"
"God, I don't know. I just need you to tell me. If you could just tell me which is the best way, I will go."
"My Child, what is your desire? You must choose. Do you want to just be compliant? Where is your heart? I have given you my Word to guide you. You must know that whichever way you choose, I will be with you."

That is me in a nutshell. Growing up, I rarely made a decision that my mother didn't approve. As a wife, I rarely wanted to do something that Nathan didn't approve. The result is I never really learned to manage my freedom. My desires and "want to" was heavily influenced by what I felt others would want. It showed up in my spiritual life as well. I wanted to be a "good" Christian. Thank God I have been delivered! My insecurities and approval seeking mentality have been conquered by the Truth and the love of my King. I want to get a little more in depth with this word desire.

The human will/desire is a powerful thing. God put our will in us just like our heart and mind. Beth Moore states in a book I read, "We will ultimately do what we want to do." But what if our "want to" is messed up or deformed in some way?

So I find it to be a law (rule of action of my being)that when I want to do what is right AND good, evil is ever present with me AND I am subject to its insistent demands. For I endorse AND delight in the Law of God in my inmost self (with my new nature). But I discern in my bodily members (in the sensitive appetites and wills of the flesh) a different law (rule of action)at war against the law of my mind (my reason) and making me a prisoner to the law of sin that dwells in my bodily organs (in the sensitive appetites and wills of the flesh). O unhappy and pitiable and wretched man that I am! Who will release and deliver me from (the shackles of)this body of death? O thank God!(He will!) through Jesus Christ (the Anointed One) our Lord! So then indeed I, of myself with mind AND heart, serve the Law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin.
Romans 7:21-25 (Amplified Bible)

How do we cure a messed up "want to"? I believe the answer lies in our heart. Beth Moore states her change in heart this way:
"Using the hammer of His Word and the anvil of His unfailing love, God reshaped my disfigured desires until what I wanted more than anything on earth was what He wanted. Somewhere along the way, God's "law" transferred from the stone tablets of my head to the soft tissue of my heart. I bought in-not just spiritually, but emotionally. Jesus finally, completely, won my heart."

I was saved as a young girl. I was a girl who grew into a woman full of fear and compliance. Instead of my heart being controlled by the Spirit, I was controlled by insecurity. A slave to perfectionism, I became tired and burnt out. As life changed beyond my control, I began to disconnect myself from things that I loved (including God). I just didn't want to deal with it. All this and I was "saved"! How could this be?
My heart belonged to Jesus. I am sure of it! Unfortunately, it had some "weeds". He became my gardener. He used His Word, the counsel of the Holy Spirit, and my Father's love to remove every fear and insecurity!

So throw all spoiled virtue and cancerous evil in the garbage. In simple humility, let our gardener, God, landscape you with the Word, making a salvation-garden of your life.
James 1:21 (The Message)

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord."
Psalms 40:1-3

My desires have completely changed. I no longer want to do the things I use to do.I am thankful everyday for His love and grace. I am so thankful that He loves me too much to let me stay in the pit. What do I want now? I want to walk/serve Him in confidence and freedom. I want to rest in His hand. I want to live each day with my heart securely connected to His heart.